This month Susan completes her final polish of Kindergarten Mafia. To read an excerpt click here. She now turns her attention toward her children’s picture book stories.

A peek into the author’s life

– or – When life imitates manuscript

It’s not every day that one experiences and diagnoses one’s own psychological condition. HUMA Syndrome, or as it is known in Latin caput sursum mea puga, is technically described as having one’s own head up one’s own ass.

The signs of HUMA are:

1. The existence of at least one, but likely more, life stressors. Check out your own life stressor rating by clicking on the link at the bottom of this article. You will quickly find yourself your stress category: Mildly stressed, Moderately stressed or Dial 9-1-1 now.

2. A certain tell-tale odor, which is only natural when you have your head up your … puga.

Let’s see, five months into this year I discovered that my marriage wasn’t … marriage-y. It was, in fact, something altogether different. It’s strange, that moment when gut knowledge becomes brain knowledge. No stuffing that genie back in the bottle.

And so the marriage is over.

Strange, over the past few years I have been writing about characters whose lives have been disrupted by separation and divorce. My protagonists always come out the other end standing on their own two feet. I still believe in that positive outcome but, oh, it’s a different animal when the situation is three-dimensional and happening to me. Still, I’m enough of an optimist to see myself on a path toward being happy, whole and without bitterness.

Yet there I was, quite recently, in a full-blown HUMA attack. I literally watched myself fall into a day of self-pity. I fell face first, and here’s the kicker: I refused to get up. It was cathartic, it was comfortable, it was pathetic. As you read this, do you feel sorry for me? If so, know that my HUMA self would have thanked you. That was the goal.

At the end of that day I had an epiphany. I had my caput up my own puga and it didn’t smell so good. I looked back upon the twenty-four hours I had wasted – or perhaps needed to waste in order to describe the condition for all of humankind – and decided that the pity party was over. I have to admit, there have been more than a few pity parties over the long summer of 2009, but no more. You see the power of HUMA Syndrome? It is messy but it can be a catalyst for change.

If you’ve got an unraveling relationship of your own and you feel a certain pull toward a HUMA event, go ahead and succumb. Ensure that it is truly an emotionally-draining day. Cry until you can’t cry anymore. Stay in bed. Remain in horizontal position as much as possible. Don’t eat, or if you must, eat only junk food. Don’t answer the phone, the door or your e-mail. Do not read anything that requires an attention span or depth of knowledge. People, Us, Star!, OK! and Hello! magazines are excellent choices; anything with an exclamation mark with do. Stare at bland undemanding surfaces such as walls, the floor, the kitchen counter. Do not shower or bathe. Do not comb your hair or brush your teeth. Do not dust, scrub, vacuum or sweep anything. Above all, feel sorry for you and only you.

At the end of the day, drag your sorry puga to the bathroom mirror. Voila, you will be able to say, “Hey! Is that my Head Up My Ass?” Yes, yes it is. Not a pretty sight, is it. Self-diagnosis is the first step toward recovery.

You may have to (or wish to) continue your HUMA days on a bi-weekly basis until no longer required. Caution: leave at least ten days between ‘events’ or your head will refuse to dislodge itself and you just don’t want to go there. Used wisely, HUMA events can lead to acknowledging your pain, clarifying feelings and telling people what you need. In other words, wallowing can help you move on. Moving on is good.

I am personally glad to have my head back in its rightful place, more or less. My friends have been incredibly supportive along the way and God bless each one of them for giving me space and coaxing me back to life. I am grateful for their acts of kindness. If someone you love is currently in HUMA position, here are the ways you can help:

1. Send an encouraging, supportive e-mail or voice-mail message. “I’m thinking about you” and “Here’s what I’m up to” are a good start.

2. Invite your HUMA-ic friend out for coffee, breakfast, lunch or dinner.

3. Schedule walk and talks.

4. Extend the offer for middle of the night, 24/7 phone call support. Listening is optional.

5. Be positive. Avoid trash talk and gossip.

6. Attend a workout class, a meditation session or a relaxing event together.

There are plenty of ways you can offer help without actually joining in, which would be tremendously awkward, in any case.

A word about humour: yes. Scandalous humour is one of my favorite kinds. My friend Cathy (approximately the most hilarious human being I know) has this amazing recipe for heterosexual women in End-of-relationship-land:

Cathy Forsyth’s Recipe for Hetrosexual women in End-of-relationship-land

Choose your favourite cookie recipe
Assemble ingredients
Cut dough into penis shapes
Bake
Break each penis in half
Serve

And finally, because this is a blog about my writing life, I will add that my experience has caused me to rip apart Kindergarten Mafia and rework it. It hasn’t been easy but there is a silver lining to every cloud; I understand my characters that much better. As for me, in time I will make the transition from being HeadUpMyAss-prone to simply having my HeadUp. Caput sursum!

Drop me a line at susan@gingerheart.com. Tell me about your favourite things to do on a HUMA day or about that moment when you made the decision to move forward after the end of a relationship.

Check out your life stressor rating at: http://www.roadtowellbeing.ca/cgi-bin/life-stressors.cgi

The author gently reminds the reader that she views occasional bouts of HUMA as part of the human condition. If you are experiencing ongoing depression please know that help is a phone call away. Please contact a health care professional.

And finally, Latin scholars, correct me if my translation is wrong. My caput hurts, what with all this syndrome inventing.